A Bird In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush

a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush


It’s like those old toys, you know, the Jack-in-the-Box ones where you crank a lever to play a song and at a certain point a little clown guy comes bouncing out.

Only this new toy, Bird-in-the-Hand, is more of a game.  You see, it has more components than that old one.  In Bird-in-the-Hand, you collect Location Cards that represent all the places your Bird can go.  You have to collect all 20 Locations Cards before you can move on to the board game part, which is a lot like that other old game called Mouse Trap.  The goal is to be the first player to make it to the end of the board game and to activate the Rube Goldberg machine you’ve created along the way, which, if you do it right, should knock all the other players off the board.

Okay, so first you crank the lever on the side of the Hand.  As you crank it, the fingers will slowly uncurl.  You’ve got to be ready though, because at any time the fingers could fly open and throw something out of the Hand.  It’ll either be a Bird, a Fish, or a Worm.  You have to catch the object when it comes out—but only if it’s a Bird.  If you catch a Worm or a Fish, you lose a turn.

Once you’ve caught your Bird you move on to the next part, which is collecting the Location Cards.  This part is like that card game called Go Fish, except there are more rules.  You can only ask about a Location that you have 3 of, and once you get the 4th you can exchange it for 4 new Location Cards.  There’s also a trading element, where you can trade an extra Bird for some different Location Cards.  My personal favorite thing to yell during this phase is, “a Bird-in-the-Hand is worth two In The Bush!”  I love it because it’s not an official rule, but it’s one that my dad always says, which is weird because he’s never played Bird-in-the-Hand before.  Anyways, that unofficial rule has helped me win quite a few games, so I guess my dad is some sort of Bird-in-the-Hand prodigy or something.


Apple Of My Eye

Apple Of My Eye

“You’re the apple of my eye, darling,” Mark said on the cab ride home from the fancy restaurant, where he and his wife had had their fill of delicious food and quite a bit of wine.

“Oh yeah? Well, you’re the banana of my life,” Evelyn said, slurring her words in spirited, and wine-induced, debate.

After an uncomfortable silence, Mark said, “What does that even mean?”

“What do you even mean?” Evelyn retorted, surprisingly fast for someone who appeared to be on the verge of falling asleep.

Mark, who hadn’t had as much to drink, was starting to suspect that his beautiful wife had meant it as an insult.

“Do you mean I’m the one who helps you get through the day when you skip breakfast?” Mark asked, in an unsuccessful attempt to lighten the mood.

“No, I mean that you weren’t ripe when I chose you, and now you’re all mushy and old.” Evelyn giggled and poked at Mark’s belly as she said this. It was her own twisted way of lightening the mood, which Mark knew after 10 years of marriage.

They rode in silence for a minute before Mark said, “Really, Evelyn, you are the apple of my eye.”

“Really, babe, I hate apples and I don’t like being compared to one,” Evelyn said, closing her eyes and leaning her head against Mark’s chest.

“It’s just an expression, doll. It doesn’t mean you’re like an apple in any way, it just means that I love you,” Mark explained.

“Then why don’t you call me something else?” Evelyn said. After a pause, she added, “I like mangoes.”

“Fine,” Mark said. “You’re the mango of my soul.”

Evelyn looked up at him and smiled, then snuggled back against his chest and thought about how lucky she was to have married a man such as Mark.

On The Same Page

on the same page

I finally told him how I felt after all this time. We’d been seeing each other off-and-on for about six months, and I only just felt comfortable telling him that I really genuinely cared about him. I was careful not to do so too soon, as I’ve made that mistake in the past and it really doesn’t end well. Not in my experience, at least. The other thing I was careful not to do? Use that L-word. You know, that four letter word that people write songs and poems about, the one that everyone’s afraid to be the first to say, the one that means you care about the other person’s happiness more than you care about your own? Yeah, you know which word. Anyways, I didn’t use that word, though I certainly thought about how I could spend the rest of my life with him and be truly happy.

That’s all beside the point. The point is that I told him how I felt in a very casual, yet meaningful, way and I was extremely proud of myself for doing so because emotions are not something I’m generally in touch with. So there we were, standing on the porch under the stars, and I was filled with good feelings. Until he responded, that is.

“There’s something I’ve got to tell you,” he said, and my mind raced to think of all the different things he might need to tell me. Maybe he would tell me he had the greatest time with me? Or that he wanted to be with me exclusively, in a dating capacity? Or maybe that I was different and special, the way he did that first night we met? he felt the L-word towards me? Or maybe he’d tell me he felt the L-word towards me? I could barely contain myself as I stood there under the stars, his arms wrapped around my waist.

I looked up at him and said, “Go ahead, what’s on your mind?”

“There’s this other girl…” he trailed off.

He might’ve kept talking, but I couldn’t really focus on the words coming out of his mouth. I just stood there, smiling like an idiot and nodding along in agreement as if that’s exactly what I expected him to say. I did hear him say that he wasn’t interested in having a girlfriend, and that he liked me but there’d been other girls he’d seen while I was away at school. Girls—plural. That killed me. But I continued nodding and smiling and looking at the stars just beyond his head because looking at him directly was a little too difficult at that moment.

I’d been so wrong. But how had I been so wrong? I’d thought we were on the same page, but it turns out we weren’t even reading the same book.

Rain Check

rain check

“You want to grab some coffee?” a friend asks.

But the weather is gloomy and it looks as if it might storm. So you yell, “Rain check!”

But what exactly do you mean by this?

You might mean that you want to check to see if it’s raining outside before you go so you can grab your new rain boots and rain coat. Maybe you’ll even grab that old rain hat, from way back when people used to wear rain hats.

Or maybe you meant it to sound more like, “Rain? Check!” because you already know it’s raining and rain just happens to be your favorite weather condition. If that’s the case, maybe you wanted your friend to recognize that the only reason you said yes was because it was raining, and that, without the rain, you wouldn’t have bothered to leave the house. Hopefully your friend knows you well enough to laugh and move on without being too hurt by your somewhat offensive implications.

Or you could’ve been trying to call your friend’s attention to an actual check made of rain, which is pretty impressive in its own right and is unrelated to the coffee date. If you did see a check made of rain, it makes sense that you would yell about it because how does it even exist? You should probably find a way to document it before the magic spell wears off and you’re left with just a medium-sized puddle. Because once that happens, you can’t cash the check and you’ll potentially be out a considerable amount of money.

Most likely, though, you meant that you wanted a rain check on the coffee date, which means you wanted to get it another time instead. Or maybe you don’t actually like your “friend” at all and you just continually ask for a rain check on everything they invite you to with no intention of ever really hanging out. In which case, I apologize for ruining your plan (which is definitely ruined because that “friend” is probably the one who sent you this story as a joke—but secretly they sent it because they suspect this has been your plan all along).